| what i've learned |
[Wednesday, January 21st, 2009 @ 11:28PM] |
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I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I've learned that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts. I've learned that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do. I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life. I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you. I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place. I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score. I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up. I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated. I've learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it. I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological. I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself. I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. I've learned that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least. I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do. I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever. I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process. I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help. I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being. I've learned that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon. I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings, and standing up for what you believe. I've learned that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
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| no no no |
[Saturday, September 27th, 2008 @ 3:07PM] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
in a dream world...
you do things, you say things, and it turns into something. you hold my hand at concerts. you poke my side when we are squished in a car, and only i'll know. you tell me about yr life, yr dreams and yr accomplishments. we go on long walks to contemplate life. we hide on porches from the rain. you bump into me gently to get my attention. you mean it. you show me all the cool things you've collected. you laugh at my jokes. we smoke joints and drink beer. you bob to music like nobody's watching and it doesn't matter if the room is crowded. you play your music and i listen. you talk to me every day. you put your life on hold for a few hours to spend time with me, every day. you meet me down the street. you smile. you smile at me. you mean it. you meet me after class. you take my hand. we sleep in my bed. you mean it. you introduce me to your roommates. you help me remember their names. you walk me to class. you tell me silly jokes. you want me to listen to the music you love. you let me read your poetry. you have your life figured out, and you're going places. you have big dreams. you mean it. you say you'll greet me with a kiss. you mean it. you mean it. you mean it.
in the real world, you did and you didn't and now you don't. you expect me to keep talking to you, i won't.
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| make sure our room isn't next to theirs |
[Tuesday, July 8th, 2008 @ 7:40PM] |
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it?
It makes you so vulnerable.
It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.
You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you.
They didn't ask for it.
They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love takes hostages.
It gets inside you.
It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts.
Not just in the imagination.
Not just in the mind.
It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
I hate love.
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| this is what you shall do: |
[Tuesday, March 18th, 2008 @ 8:38PM] |
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... Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labour to others, hate tyrants, have patience and indulgene toward the people, take off your hat to noting known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.
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| i just want back in your head |
[Tuesday, December 4th, 2007 @ 10:19PM] |
Do you like anyone?:
yes but i'm not sure
Do they know it?:
no but maybe so
Simple or complicated?:
clearly complicated
LAST TIME YOU:
Bought something:
today, hot water to make tea ($0.11)
Been sick?:
i'm sick right now
Been hugged?:
last night
Felt stupid?:
tonight, when i though Paul's name was Ball. classic Paula moment
Talked to an ex:
nevah!
Missed someone:
all the time
Failed a test:
Potvin's midterm. that sucks
Danced:
i'm constantly dancing. i need no reason to dance.
Gotten your hair cut?:
oooo i should cut my hair....
Lied:
tonight, about being cold, to get away from an awkward situation
PERSONAL STUFF
Nervous habits?:
fidgeting, and its getting worse
Are you double jointed?:
my pinkys are, je pense
Can you roll your tongue?:
yup
Can you raise one eyebrow?:
oh fo sho!
Can you cross your eyes?:
yes'm
Do you make your bed daily?:
eff no
HAVE YOU EVER -
Said "I Love you":
yeah, but only to friends
Given money to a homeless person:
yup
Smoked?:
yea
Waited all night for a phone call?:
nope, i like my Zs, thank you
Snuck out?:
ya, bad news bears
Sat and looked at the stars?:
i love stars
Slept in a bed of the opposite sex?:
mmmmmmm yessir
Drank a bottle of alcohol by yourself?:
hahah definately...
Been dumped?
nope
Stolen money from a friend?:
probably, but probably given it back later
Been in a fist fight?:
if only
Had a crush on a teacher?:
yea!
Seen someone die?:
no
Been on an airplane?:
yup
Slept all day?:
hahah yeah, last sunday!
Fallen asleep during school?:
no, thats scary. but i've definately been close to it
Cheated in a game?:
clearly!
Been to the ER?:
yeah
Been in a car accident?:
nope
Had detention?:
eff yes! hellooo elementary school
Missed your first love?:
yeah
Cried yourself to sleep?:
yup
Sung in the shower?:
haha yeah
Kissed a complete stranger?:
...yeah
Laughed so hard you cried?:
hahahah YES!!!
Cheated on a boyfriend or girlfriend?:
nope
Regretted hurting someone?:
definately
Regretted loving someone?:
....i'm not sure. i used to think no, but now i'm stuck on a maybe. maybe not regretting the love, but regretting how it played out.
Ever been in love?:
yea
MISS MANNERS
Do you swear/curse?:
always
Do you ever spit?:
ya, definately a bad habit
You cook your own food?:
i do
You do your own chores?:
i've moved out on my own, so yes yes i do
You like beef jerky?:
never had it
You're happy with your life?:
right now yeah. but i could do with a little less exams stuff
You own a dog?:
yeah, but he lives with my parents
You spend your money wisely?:
rarely
Do you like to swim?:
love it
When you get bored do you call a friend?:
nope, i dont like calling people much
PREFERENCES -
Flowers or angels?:
flowers
Grey or black?:
black
Colour or black and white photos?:
black and white
Lust or love?:
depends.... on a lot of things
Sunrise or sunset?:
sunset by far
M&Ms or Skittles?:
skittles
Staying up late or waking up early?:
staying up late, because i do, all the time
Being hot or cold?:
cold
Winter or Fall?:
fall
Left or right?:
right
Having ten acquaintances or two best friends?:
best friends
Sunshine or rain?:
sunshine, but i love dancing in the rain :)
KTNX.
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| o mai |
[Wednesday, November 7th, 2007 @ 11:37PM] |
| | I do not love you as if you were salt-rose or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms,
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers.
Thanks to your love a certain fragrance,
risen darkly from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride,
so I love you because I know no other way than this:
where "I" does not exist, nor "you,"
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
So close that your eyes close and I fall asleep.
-Pablo Neruda |
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| that you for-got-meh |
[Friday, November 2nd, 2007 @ 4:35PM] |
days have been super strange lately - too much stress, distress and sadness.
i'm in need of a hug. pronto.
R.I.P Mrs. Ducey
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| wake your dreams |
[Sunday, October 28th, 2007 @ 4:24PM] |
i got a new tattoo !! Wednesday October 24, 2007
Ducey came down during her reading week and drove me, Sara, Paula and Zaz down to Toronto. we went to Planet Ink (on the East side of Yonge, south of Bloor) and i highly, highly, HIGHLY recommend James who works there. we're pretty much in love. he's an incredible artist and such a chill guy.
ducey got a flower on her forearm.
sara got a green leaf on her wrist and "beauty walks the razor's edge, someday i'll make it mine..." wrapped around her foot.
paula got the infinity symbol on her wrist and the DMB firedancer on the top of her foot. we were all frikken pleased !!
+ here's my end product !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it covers up scribble man that i used to have on my lower back - i plan on getting him done again though on my side though, i haven't forgotten about him <3. he was just way too out of proportion for my liking
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| stumble upon |
[Wednesday, October 10th, 2007 @ 12:52AM] |
i do not care what car you drive, where you live. if you know someone who knows someone who knows someone. if your clothes are this years cutting edge. if your trust fund is unlimited. if you are A list B list or never heard of you list. i only care about the words that flutter from your mind. they are the only thing you truly own. the only thing i will remember you by. i will not fall in love with your bones and skin. i will not fall in love with the places you've been. i will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind.
+ on a completely unrelated note... . . . . . .
i understand how scissors can beat paper, and i get how a rock can beat scissors, but there's no fuckin way paper can beat rock. is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile? why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? why aren't sheets of ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? i'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody. a rock will tear that shit up in two seconds. when i play rock paper scissors, i always choose rock. then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, i can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "oh shit, i'm sorry, i thought paper would protect you, you asshole."
++TEGANANDSARA = AMAZING SHOW !!!
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| Being Twenty-Something |
[Sunday, October 7th, 2007 @ 4:19PM] |
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.
One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better.
Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself..... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
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| to the front to the front, to the right to the right |
[Sunday, September 30th, 2007 @ 3:45PM] |
i keep having dreams that i believe to be reality, and it definately takes me a while to realize they're not.
sometimes its better that they're not real.
but days like today, i wish they were because i woke up so happy.
and now i'm notsomuch anymore.
+i cant stop listening to girl talk. meep!
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| any notes |
[Sunday, September 23rd, 2007 @ 10:37PM] |
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Ten Rules for Being Human
 by Cherie Carter-Scott | 1. | You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period. | | 2. | You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life." | | 3. | There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work." | | 4. | Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson. | | 5. | Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned. | | 6. | "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here." | | 7. | Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself. | | 8. | What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours. | | 9. | Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust. | | 10. | You will forget all this. |
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| how freakin' good i feel right now |
[Sunday, September 23rd, 2007 @ 3:25PM] |
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin' good I feel right now.
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| brand power |
[Tuesday, September 18th, 2007 @ 10:47PM] |
Oh and I'm feeling directionless yes
But that's to be expected
And I know that best
And in creeps the morning
And another day's lost
You've just written wondering
And I reply fast
All you need to save me
All you need to save me
Call(call)
And I'll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all
And I won't take any other call
I feel like a fool
So I'm going to stop troubling you
Buried in my yard
A letter to send to you
And if I forget
Or God Forbid
Die too soon
Hope that you'll hear me
Know that I wrote to you
All you need to say to me
All you need to say to me
Is call(call)
And I'll be curled on the floor hiding out from it all
And I won't take any other call
*sigh
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| rolling through |
[Sunday, August 19th, 2007 @ 5:36PM] |
soon you'll fade into a memory.
with only pictures reminding me of what we used to have.
strange.
+ i know i'm going to miss it,
but i hope to not keep missing you.
i hope to someday find someone else like you.
and i hope you're happy. i hope you're so so happy.
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| Climbing Up The Walls |
[Tuesday, August 14th, 2007 @ 11:30PM] |
Somebody tell me.
Why it feels more real when I dream than when I am awake,
How can I know if my senses are lying?
Who are you?
Am I alone?
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| drip drip drip |
[Sunday, August 12th, 2007 @ 2:59PM] |
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i hope you're happier now, boi.
i hope you've found the city that will make you smile now, boi.
'i will regret caring for you 'till the day i die,
but i will never stop caring.'
+++++++++
i gave up my promise to go out with you for drugs + alcohol.
i can't blame you for being mad, but i do blame me for being lazy.
i didn't mean to let you down like this; i hope we will talk this out.
it's only been two days and i already miss you like crazy, boi.
i hope that you believe the words that come out my mouth.
this guilt trip is enough to drive me up the fucking walls.
i don't want to be another unstable thing in your life,
one you can't depend on and one that leaves you
when you need them to be there the most.
i don't want this to ruin what we've had.
and i hope you will understand
and that you will forgive me
and that we'll be ok
once again boi.
loves youz.
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